Information
Group InfoName:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2208523152
Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America
Type: Just for Outlandish Statements
Description:
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
Contact InfoWebsite: www.fco.gov.uk
Office: Foreign & Commonwealth Office
Street: King James Street
City: London, England
Recent News
Just to make clear for any (blindly) patriotic people - This group is in jest. It's just for a laugh - a joke! Note that the group type is "Just for Fun - Outlandish Statements".
I can't make it any clearer than I already have done. This isn't a political group or an Iraq war protest group.
"Defining and analysing humour is a pastime of humourless people." Robert Benchley
"When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him." Thomas Szasz, from the book "The Second Sin"
Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCkYfYa8ePI
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A response/rebuttal to this group can be found here:
http://facebook.com/group.php?gid=2231433061
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I've had a few messages saying that this was written by John Cleese. I originally thought so and did credit it to him. However I was informed of this website:
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp
which gives some strong evidence that it was not. Additionally, there is a rebuttal on this website. Decide for yourselves if it is actually sticking up for the Americans rather than making fun of them...
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Yeah it's an old game. But great entertainment nonetheless: http://www.miniclip.com/games/bush-royal-rampage/en/
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Message from Lane Sobehrad (Southwestern):
"I'd just like to convey a message to all my fellow Americans who posted on this wall: you're proving the stereotypes illustrated in the above statements by posting comments that appear as if you had a mental disability. Please stop. Quit being so easily offended, and if you have a thought, maybe it should stay as one."
The reason she made this message was due to messages on the wall similar to the those on the Wall of Shame below.
----- WALL OF SHAME -----
This is reserved for the most entertaining comments made in the group. I should have started this a while ago but better late than never.
Eric Stauffer (Cedar Crest High School):
"hey you fuckbags, what is wrong with America helping the world, why don't you get off your fucking British asses and do something you fucking cock sucking assholes, and why the fuck should we keep San Fransico? I think that we would want to kill all the fags of the world in one shot, fuck you, you fucking douschebags, go suck a huge American cock, because we role the fucking world, suck on it, you fuckbags."
Kelsey Brunts (Brebeuf Jesuit Preparatory School):
"how do you plan to govern the US when you can't even handle Ireland?"
Chase Cavayero (American Heritage):
"So you pussy ass British Bitches, I take it that not one person in the poor excuse of a country that England is, has dental insurance. I am also quite sure that you are all still very upset after getting raped a new asshole in the revoloutionary war. I am also positive that not one of you over crazed SOCCER not FOOTBALL fans could step on the field at any level of a competetive football game and not piss in your knickers or w/e the hel u where. So good luck healing that sore asshole"
Juan Calderón (UT Arlington):
"...It's known as a "gun." Your people were quite proficient at using them for hundreds of years until, in the most amazing case of devolution known to mankind, the testicles of every British male retreated into their abdominal cavities and knowledge of these tools vanished from the nation.
...I use British words to make sure you people understand what I'm saying, as you all seem to have a problem understanding words not commonly used in and around Londonistan...
...your mother was a little loose last night. Tell her that she can only work at the whorehouse every other night."
Bryan Kahn (West High):
"Things I don't particularly enjoy about Britain:
-Some of the words you guys use in British English are kind of stupid, to be honest. I mean, come on, "bobby" for cop? If you said the term "bobby" in the US, either people would think ur talking about a male or a pin. "water closet" or "loo" for bathroom/restroom? what the fuck?
-Gun control.
Guns are tight. Why the fuck did you have to ban them? Maybe if you had concealed carry there wouldn't be so many damn assaults and burglaries and other gunless crimes that are on the rise. Put the criminals at bay.
-Tea
Tea is gross! That's all I'm gonna say. And wtf are crumpets? Are they biscuits or a cookie or what?
-The fact that your House of Commons is pathetic as a governing body. I dunno about the House of Lords, but the House of Commons looks sucky. I watch that shit on C-SPAN, and it seems all the reps do is complain to the Prime Minister, and he responds.
-Unwritten constitution. WTF is this? How do you have a Constitution that is "unwritten"? Does everyone just memorize everything in the Constitution, or is it short so it's easy to be unwritten? Ya know, if you guys had written the Constitution like we and other countries have, you may not be in as many messes as you are now. Write your own Constitution with a bill of rights already! Seal the deal. You've been a constitutional monarchy for 100s of years. You started with the Magna Carter and other documents, but you never actually made an official constitution to finish it. Come on!
-Brits' worshipping of the queen. It disgusts me and other Americans, I'm sure. Hell, she's not even a celebrity. At least in America, certain stupid Americans worship celebrities who actually have talent, such as acting or music. Your queen is just a ceremonial figurehead who makes random public appearances and just happened to succeed her predecessor.
-Universal health care
I don't care how successful your health care system may be or how successful you think it is, a private system still kicks ass. Why would I want the gov't to step in and take total control and make me pay for someone else's care? That's bullshit. Plus, I don't want a long waiting period to get care. Not to mention taxes are probably outrageously high to pay for the healthcare.
-High taxes
No way in hell I'm paying $5/gallon for gas. I'm also not gonna take an income tax rate over 50%. That's absurd."
Nick Bergman (Springfield, MO):
"So tell me how does it feel that half of the people in your country are muslim. if i was you i wouldnt ride any buses, or take the underground."
Lindsey Greenlun (St. Cloud):
"..who is kofi annan??"
Chase Williams (St. Charles High School):
"Well it seems to me james that you are unable to accept that america is the greatest country in the world, perhaps this is the reason people from other countries, ENGLAND, feel the need to try and bring us down to their level, not gonna happen."
"16???? im 11 years old pal, was advanced 4 grades so far, thats because americans are smart, real smart"
"listen conrad, its like this, im similar to id say theo walcott, hes got mad skillz but he doesnt have to show them off, people just know, similar to how they know im a super genuis at 11 years old"
Casey Johnson (Simpson):
"Listen up you English queers, America has kicked/saved your ass so many times that its sad. England itself has become little more than a liberal cess-pool, filled to the brim with ifeminant queers."
"EHHHHH BUGGER OFF MATES!!! DERRRRR MATES! I'M AN ENGLISH PRICK WITH BAD TEETH AND A SUPERIORITY COMPLEX! P.S. I recently had the displeasure of fucking the queen and I now have herpies. If only Princess Diana were still alive. She was a fine piece of ass, but then again she was also a dirty slut soo.."
"So how about those fifteen British sailors and marines. Cowards, the lot of 'em. I wish that Britain would just pull out of the war already if you "buggers" intend on disgracing the cause in such a way."
Jon Bigelow (Pulaski Junior - Senior High School):
"Fuck every single one of you. ur just all bitchin cuz the United States is the best damn country in the world and u hav a problem with it. I say, go back to ur little ass, piece of shit country and start a petition to not make ur country such a shithole, and quit bitchin about the United States. You can take ur petition and shove it up your ASS.
P.S. The United States is better than any of your little-stupid-bitch filled countries. How bout' I make a petition to make all of the worthless countries shut the fuck up about the United States, its not our fault that u suck and were better than u."
Connor McKenzie (Wauwatosa East High School):
"FUCK ENGLAND! GET OUTTA IRELAND YOU LIMEY GITS!"
Chris Redwood (United States Air Force):
"Get out of my country you crumpet eating wankers"
Jerry (aka Gerald) Kassin (E. Michigan):
"Gordon, every democratic nation on earth is based on the example of the US"
"...Unlike brits, americans actually are somewhat aware of politics outside of our borders"
Chris Cronin (St. Edwards):
"um, democracies don't have queens."
Sam Ash Croft (Switzerland):
"you fucking british fags think you can make some group which gets rid of america well yuo cant cos we have more bombs than you and we're not such big pussies as you that we would not use them.
another thing that pisses me of is how you people dont realise how gay and faggotish you all are. I went to europe once and to britain and everyone there was a fucking mutha fucking shitbag"
Mel Berhane (Wake Forest):
"YES, BUT YOU CAUSED WWII WITH YOUR WEAKNESS. YOU APPEASED HITLER. I BLAME YOU FOR THE HOLOCAUST."
"what the fuck is a "pillock""
"bright young americans such as myself"
"btw, you should probably repay us for the marshall plan"
"we didn't have to go to kosovo or somalia either...we are a moral superpower, something your lot knows absolutely nothing about"
Bear Jacobsen (Berkeley High):
"All you brits are just mad because we mopped the floor with you bitches in the revolutionary war.
Who needs maturity? how does it help anyone. Maybe you should get the sperm out of your eyes and realize that the usa is the best country to live in.
HA! all men are created equal. ONLY IN AMERICA. THATS WHY THIS COUNTRY SCRAPES.
haha at least america has freedom of speech. Fucking magna carta can suck my dick."
Ciara Horne (Newton County High School):
"i'm sorry America's not full of pretty people LIKE THE UK!!!!
who are you people
and better yet
who are YOU to judge?
ya'll are so fuck'n stupid....yeah, yeah come on make fun of how smart i am...
CUZ
I
DON'T
GIVE
A
FLY'N
FUCK
WHAT
YOU
FUCK'N
WHORES
THINK?
SUCK
MY
CHOCOLATE
SALTY
AMERICAN
BALLS
BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!"
Doug Burrell (Texas A&M):
"i've got an idea. how about we stop carrying you on our backs like a bunch of spoiled children that you are. i don't believe the english are aware of the word work and what it means. our country is PC... you're the ones who can't keep crazy fucking terrorist muslims from running your country. while they may not be in politics, they do dictate it. i'll give you football, as i am a diehard liverpool supporter. but there are only a few english who play for them, and their skipper's from spain as well. and what the fuck have you done to the english language, because i can't understand a word that comes out of your mouths, all that cockney bull crap. and while we're on the subject of mouths, why don't you collect a few smarties over there and ship 'em here for some dental training, because your country is seriously in need of a few million sets of porcelain veneers. cricket, what the fuck is cricket anyways... and how many of your 'cricketeers' would dare stand in the way of a 105 mph, not kph fastball from the fingers of randy johnson. why is it that you have to import all your footballers anyways, are english footballers not good enough? and you know good and damn well that if all our best athletes were footballers, there would be no chance for anyone in the world cup, save maybe brazil. and the whole 'zed' thing really is fucking stupid. come on, who made that shit up. we don't say ned, or ped, or even med, so why the fuck would we say 'zed'? thank you for your time."
"last time... skipper=rafael benitez, skipper=fergie, skipper=jose mourino. skipper does not equal team captain. geez, don't you guys watch football at all?"
Unknown:
"CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME!!!!"
James Tierney (Fordham):
FUCK ALL YOU BRITISH QUEERS...HOW DOES IT FEEL KNOWING THAT WITH SOMEONE AS RETARDED AS GEORGE BUSH JR ...AKA DUMBEST POLITICIAN TO EVER SAY NUCLEAR...STILL HAS YOUR PRIME MINISTER AS OUR, THAT IS TO SAY AMERICA'S, BITCH...LICK MY NUTSACK YOU LIMEY PIECES OF SHIT AND WORRY ABOUT THAT DISGUSTING ISLAND YOU LIVE ON INSTEAD OF MAKING FACEBOOK (AN AMERICAN INVETNTION I MIGHT ADD) GROUPS ABOUT OUR GOVERNMENT AND TRYING TO SCHEME YOUR WAY INTO RULING THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD...IT AINT HAPPENIN
Garrett Gunchick (Abilene Christian):
"In the early 20th century, the 19th century, 18th century (basically since the end of the English civil war) the world has seen the English (yes Whales and Scotts) as total badasses.
It now seems like the majority of your country (at least the WHOLE Conservative party and a good chunk on the Labour party) have bought into this new pacifistic Liberalism that I thought got killed off by Chamberlin.
Why do so many Brits just wanna roll over and play dead? 1/3 of our country in Muslim now....who cares type of attitude?"
NOTE from Admin: Whales as in the country Wales!
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